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Britain has joined the Euro and I'm designing the reverse of the new coins. I unveil my sexually themed set to an ashen-faced board. The reverse of the one Euro is a vagina, so we can have a quim instead of quid. The room is very quiet at this point. The back of the fifty cent is a penis rolled up like a Cumberland sausage (there's a joke about 'half-cocked' here that I can't quite remember) and the reverse of the ten cent is a simple nipple, which I say I hope will become known as 'La boobie'. Silence, some coughing. 'No, it'll be great,' I tell them, 'people will absent-mindedly make them into pairs and jiggle them about with two fingers in cafes and pubs.' The board has no imagination, all I'm saying.

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