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It's not going well at the piano. I'm trying to write a smash hit but every time I try to play something it ends off sounding like the theme tune to 'It aint half hot mum'. Eventually I give in and loudly belt out the whole thing, singing along. My mother and grandmother are in the same room.

'What's that noise?' says gran

'That's Ralph, he's writing a hit record.' says mum.

'A record?'

'Yes, it's about the war.'

'A song about the war?' shouts gran.

'Yes mum, about Burma, you know, Rangoon?'

'About Kowloon?' bellows gran, 'Is it a Chinese song?'

It aint half hot mum theme tune